Honesty

How many people do you know that are truly honest?

In my experience, most people don't tell the full truth.  Perhaps they're too afraid that they will be ostracised (after all, humans crave a sense of belonging and will do almost anything to avoid being singled out).  As a result, life is full of half-truths and mostly lies.

To be able to get through the day without losing our place in society we lie all the time.  Big lies and small lies.  For example, your boss does something you don't agree with and know is not the right thing to do but rather than say your peace you let it slide because they are in a position of power and you know you will be overruled anyway.  As such, you forgo telling the truth in order to retain a 'good working relationship'.  I have watched people seethe with frustration while others higher up the corporate ladder make poor decisions that they are unqualified to make.

Staying honest is a rare and wonderful thing. There are very few people that can be honest and maintain social connection. Our societal niceties go against telling the truth. People resort to flattery and vagaries to prevent them from having to tell the truth. Others lie to try to retain what they have or to retain others in their clutches. Some lie to cover up for something they feel ashamed about.  It can be a tiring process to attempt to separate the truths out from all the other crap that we say to each other.  As a result, we miss out on the opportunity to create real connections with the people in our lives.  Our relationships with our partners, friends, families and work colleagues suffer as a result of the little (and big) lies we spill on a daily basis.

I know I am a terrible liar.  I could never play poker.  People can see right through me when I don't tell the truth.  Yet the words spill out anyway; a conditioned response.  I say what I am expected to say but it's rarely what I actually mean.  As a result of the fact that people know that I am not telling the truth they begin not to trust me.  Or perhaps they doubt my motives.  I don't know for sure.  That's mainly because others don't tell me the truth either.

I often wonder what a world would be without lies.  I am reminded of Jim Carey in Liar Liar but I do think it's possible to maintain honesty and not hurt others.  It's harder and you need to be more selective with what you say, but it is possible.  However, as a society we generally choose the path of least resistance and elect to lie rather than find a way to tell the truth.  And do it in such a way that we don't crush others (because Jewel is right).

I have seen the fallout from dishonesty.  I have seen what can happen when people lie consistently to each other.  It's not pretty. 

Lately I have been very careful to not say things I don't truly mean.  Sometimes that means I avoid answering questions and, by default, give my position away.  Sadly this is because I have buried the truth so deep that I honestly don't know what it is anymore. 

I have come to the realisation that without honesty I am a mere shell of the person I once was.  I remember the me I used to be and want to get back to her.  I like who I used to be - someone full of fun, adventure and cheekiness; a stubborn but honest, firm but kind; daring but responsible, truly happy person.  It's been a slow and painful process to accept that I need to change the way I live my life in order to find happiness.  And peace.

This is a rock

I studied Forestry at uni.  We were a small group with each entry year limited to 30 students.  In addition, we were posted in a small rural town for two years of the four year degree.  As a result of interacting with each other on a frequent basis we were fortunate enough to build close friendships.  

Being an 'old' course (Forestry started in 1910), there were many traditions handed down over the years.   One such tradition was Christmas in July with Kris Kringle.  In our second year one of the guys gave a girl a river rock with a note attached stating "This is a rock.  Perhaps some of its warmth and charm will rub off on you".

Admittedly the recipient could be somewhat cold-hearted and callous but, to be fair, she was struggling through a difficult time in her life with her parents arguing a lot and on the brink of divorce; she was infavourably compared to her siblings and she was living out of home for the first time and had unrealistic expectations of her housemates.  In retrospect, I would also suggest she had an undiagnosed mental illness that affected her ability to interact with others in a socially acceptable way.  However, at the time I was not as aware of mental illness as I am now and thusly less tolerant that I perhaps should have been.

Furthermore, the giver was somewhat burnt by her teasing behaviour that probably left him feeling rejected and hard done by.

Despite the circumstances around the particular individuals involved, the gesture has stuck with me over the years and resonates strongly with me at certain times.

I like to think the best of people.  I like to give people the benefit of the doubt.  I like to forgive and forget.  Admittedly, there have been times in my life where people have overstepped boundaries and I have been unable to do any of these things and I have had to reluctantly walk away.

There was an instance recently where I really wanted to give out a rock with a similar attached message out, though.  Sometimes people just don't think about the things they say and the affect they can have.

I think our society is such that consequences for actions don't necessarily reach their natural end.  In small communities, when people are mean-spirited they are found out and generally meet with loneliness.  As such, they are forced to recognise their failings.  With the way our society works people can treat others inappropriately and there's a big enough pool of other people out there for them to be able to move on without modifying their behaviour.

Furthermore, the corporate structure means that those in power can overstep the mark and are not reprimanded for their mistreatment.  The anti-bullying policy introduced in 2009 are a step in the right direction to remedy this but cultural change always lags behind policy and it will take some time for these principals to be applied in full.

Walk it off

Somewhere in my history I was told that the solution to a problem was to "walk it off or rub some dirt on it".  I have no recollection of where that saying comes from.  I am guessing my early childhood as it has been with me for as long as I can remember.

I have always found solace and peace in walking.  It's a mundane activity that requires very little mental input and so my mind can wander and find it's place in my troubles then work through them as I plod along while "left-foot-right-foot" plays on repeat.  

I often use walking as a means for ridding myself of stress and tension; letting frustrations disappear as I pound the pavement.  I believe the reason walking is so effective is two-fold: firstly I get the time and space to look at what's bothering me and think it through and, secondly, I am blessed with an endorphin rush that makes the world look like a better place to be.

It was only recently, though, that I truly realised what the "rub dirt in it" part meant.  I had always taken the phrase to mean that you needed to toughen up; likening it to rubbing dirt into a wound and forging forward (perhaps risking infection along the way).  However, I have recently acknowledged that it's much more likely to be a reference to the benefit of reconnecting to earth.   

I have known for years about the therapeutic benefits of gardening (and have attended formal courses on the same). I am well aware of the importance of "green space" for positive mental health.  I marvel at the fact that the mental health benefits of the green space increases with increasing  biodiversity and know that's the reason people are attracted to rainforests and coral reefs.  

There's something pure and honest about digging into the earth, planting a seed and watching it grow.  The forced delayed gratification is an important component of this, I believe.  Generally speaking, with gardening you see the fruits of your labours long after you have put in the effort.  In the time between effort and reward there's generally maintenance required - weeding, watering, fertilising - but the benefits outweigh the hard work required (which is probably why the Royal Horticultural Society of Victoria lists 420 clubs in metropolitan Melbourne).  

Furthermore, there's a responsibility to care for plants if you want them to grow well, especially when working with non-indigenous varieties as is generally the case in many gardens.  This creates a connection between gardener and garden akin to owner and pet.  I believe it's this connection that provides therapy.  Knowing something else is relying on you makes you feel important and needed and gives a sense of responsibility.  I believe human nature makes us desire a sense of belonging and encourages us to form connections.  In doing so, our own problems seem less significant and more easily surmountable.

Awesome

I had the pleasure of spending the afternoon with the Gentleman Builder, Young Padawan and Little Miss at the beach over the weekend.  It was a glorious winter afternoon.  The sun was shining, there was no wind and the air had the first hints of spring.  It was purely awesome.

There are few things in life that take my breath away but the ocean is one.  There's something awe inspiring about the expanse of space and the consistency of the waves.  I love the beach in winter for the space and the lack of crowds. 

A starry night involkes similar feelings of awe for me as does a forest.  In fact, a view across a forest overlooking the ocean is the pinacle of awesomeness for me. 

This had me thinking about the effect of moment of awe on my perspective of life.  Everything feels better and looks brighter after an experience like this.  It would appear that I am not the only one - a little research shows that moments of awe actually have the effect of time slowing down and alters people's mental state.  I guess that's why people flock to the beach and why real estate is more expensive when equipped with an ocean view.