Authenticity

Call it confirmational bias but I keep coming across authenticity lately and so feel compelled to write about it too.  To me, being authentic is the truthfulness and sincerity in the way you live life.  Authenticity involves following your heart, acknowledging the way you feel about things and acting in accordance with that despite the cultural norms.  

Authenticity is the alignment of head, mouth, heart, and feet - thinking, saying, feeling, and doing the same thing - consistently. 

I recently saw the 2009 Bruce Willis movie Surrogates.  I am not sure how this movie skipped under my radar when it was released but seeing it got me thinking; not only about how willing so many people would be to actually take up the option of having a surrogate live their life but also about the 'face' we present to the world.  I find most people have a game face that they display to all but a select few.

I believe that living authentically is the first step towards self-acceptance.  Internal struggles are usual for me. I seem to constantly toggle between options, evaluating my choices against my beliefs and values.  When I make a decision that is against my better judgement I always come to regret it.  Living authentically leads to less anger and frustration.  

Authenticity is no longer just the realm of those living against societal norms; it seems plenty of people are jumping on the bandwagon. There are even IT think tanks joining in the chorus and developing applications to allow companies to recognise that employees need to live authentically in the workplace.  Of course, the organisation is set to benefit from embracing this by getting a bigger slice of their employees' time but most people would like to know their entire skill set is appreciated.

To live authentically you need firstly to know what it is you value, what you need, what you are passionate about,  what your strengths are and what you want to achieve.  To me, living authentically involves:

• Valuing people over possessions
• Caring for others (not only in the direct sense but also giving myself permission to think and care about other people and what is happening in their life)
• Expressing genuine interest in others rather than merely adhering social niceties
• Being involved in the lives of the ones I love
• Making time to play (this includes playing with my children and other children but also finding time to have do photography, cooking and sewing )
• Seeking inspiration -  spending time with friends and family
• Fulfilling life-long dreams
• Limiting, as much as possible, negative self-talk

My ability to live authentically is compromised when I am tired, overworked or feeling pressured (which is pretty often at the moment).  There are plenty of external pressures that affect my ability to live authentically and have me questioning my values.  However, I try to have checks in place to make sure I am operating in a manner that I am happy with.  For me, the biggest checkpoint is when I lie in bed at night.  In the quiet time between wakefulness and sleep I can gauge very easily whether I have made the right choices during the day.  For me, peace comes when I have been true to myself and, in doing so, done no harm to others.

Lance Secretan

Living mortgage free

I have received a number of requests to wirte a post about life without a mortgage.  So, for those who asked - here we are.

We have not always been mortgage free.  When we purchased a house in Melbourne, we had a significant mortgage.  I was on less than graduate salary and the Gentleman Builder was on a stipend while studying his Masters.  Things were tight.  Very tight.  We made the decision, however, to pay more than the minimum repayments (by about double)  to get ahead on the mortgage in preparation for having children.  We had always planned on moving to the country and having a sustainable farm and the house in Melbourne was a stepping stone for us.  The plan was to work in the city and earn enough to buy a block and build a house without a mortgage.  The plan was going according to plan when we were approached by an investment firm to purchase our house when I was pregnant with Little Miss.  The timing was a bit off so I managed to negotiate a long settlement so I could see out the pregnancy in Melbourne.  We moved to Gippsland when Little Miss was 4.5 months old.

If I am honest in the appraisal of our finances, we would have been quite comfortable on one salary had I not been ill in 2009/2010 (and the start of 2011).  That little furore cost us nigh on $100K in out of pocket expenses and lost income due to me not working.  Like Pumbaa (from the Lion King) says "You got to put your behind in your past".  Despite how guilty I feel about the costs associated with my illness, what's done is done and there's nothing anybody can do about it.

In a nutshell we live a peasant, no... wait, what I mean is we live a p-l-easant life.  We have enough to get by on and don't miss out on too much.  We have chosen, consciously, not to enter into debt.  The way we achieve living mortgage free is to spend less:

• Our kids live in hand-me-down clothes (which actually sits well with me considering how much waste there is in the world)
• We have a very dubious car 
• I am not an average woman. - I spend less on beauty products in a year than most women would spend on shampoo alone.  I don't do pretty and I have never been a fashionista (lucky, really, because if I was not already that way, I would have been forced down that path (or the wheels would have fallen off somewhere along said path)).
• We rely on birthdays and Christmas to stock us up on new clothes
• As things have broken (like the microwave) we have not replaced them but made do without (part of this has been preparation for the fact that we will have less power at the block and therefore any electrical items we can live without we do).  
• We don't spend money on entertainment (the only exception in the last few years has been Rock the Ballet but I also consider that educational so it is easier to justify)
• There are no meals at restaurants
• We don't buy magazines and rely on the library for books and DVDs
• We don't have the latest gadgets (no iPhone,  iPad or XBOX60 in sight)
• Until I started work in Melbourne we shared a mobile phone
• We repair things as many times as we possibly can
• The kids' art collection is mainly recycled food boxes with some staples

Seriously though, it can be tough.  I work full time in paid employment while the Gentleman Builder homeschools the kids, looks after the farm, builds the house and keeps up with the standard household chores of cooking, cleaning and washing.  on weekends, after a full week of work I come home to work on the building.  To help out the Gentleman Builder and allow him to spend as much time as possible to build I make and freeze meals for the family for the next week. 

I don't make a spectacular wage, a little above the Victorian state average of  $60K.  With that I support our family of four and fund the build.  I'm not going to mince words; we live pretty close to the wire.  We have no spare money for holidays and there is no fat if something goes wrong. If I were to lose my job, we'd last about a fortnight.  That's not a pretty place to be with two dependent children and is a cause of stress for me at times.  Knowing that we have taken this path by choice helps me to move through the stress and see how I am helping set us up for the future.

We have deliberately chosen not to take a mortgage out for the build.  There are a number of reasons for this:

1. I believe the economic climate we live in is precarious at best at the moment
2. We don't want any financial institution to have any whiff of a right to come and repossess our residence if the economy falls flat.  
3. I like the fact that we actually own the things we have.  While we don't have much, what we do have is all ours.
4. Debt worries the Gentleman Builder and I don't like for him to be stressed

And we're not the only ones that have downsized and are living mortgage free. There are many out there doing the very same.  There are plenty of sites offering advice on how to get to the point where you no longer have a mortgage.

To be honest, life would be much easier if we took out a loan.  We would be able to get all the things we want for the shouse.  Not having a mortgage and paying for things in cash makes us seriously contemplate every choice that we make.  A side-effect is that living without a mortgage has made us make more sustainable choices too, which I am very happy about.  I am being true to myself and the things I believe in and I like that sense of authenticity.  We have used many recycled materials in our build which we possibly would not have done if we had money available for other options.  I am honestly very grateful for that.  Money can, on occasion, cloud judgement.  Not having money forces you to make choices about everything.  

And we are actually not 100% debt free.  My parents have also helped us (thanks be to the Bank of Mum) out with a small, no interest loan so we could buy a stainless steel tank (which would have been out of reach with our budget).  The plan is that once we are living on site and the building is complete we should be able to save the money we owe and pay it back within a few months.

However, there is a cost associated with not having a bank mortgage - an extended build time.   Because we don't buy in labour the build is slow  (which is not surprising considering the Gentleman Builder educates the kids; feeds and waters the livestock and maintains the home we live in).  The building process is unrelenting with single tasks dragging out for weeks or months making progress on the build doggedly slow.  At times I find it infuriating.  Some days I am so sick of working on the shouse (and I just want it to be finished so we can live there) that I question our choices and worry that we have made a terrible mistake.  If the kids were in school the Gentleman Builder would have 6 uninterrupted hours a day, five days a week to build.  Additionally he would not have to rush around organising curriculum and planning lessons.  He would not have to dedicate hours to learning new skills (like copperplate and German) to be able to pass this on to our children.  However, when I catch a glimpse of the kids running around or feeding the pigs or chatting to the steer, or I see the joy and pride on the Gentleman Builder's face as the kids read I know that we have done the right thing.  For us.

Jack (or Jill) of all trades

Little Miss loves ballet.  When I heard that Rasta Thomas' Rock the Ballet was coming to Melbourne, I bought tickets.  We went to the matinee show on Sunday and Little Miss loved it.  Padawan wasn't that keen to begin with but the acrobatics and music won him over in the end.

Watching the exceptionally talented, fit and flexible dancers made me feel totally unqualified to be human.  I can't do a backflip.  Or put my foot behind my ear while standing on one foot.  I can't do the splits or pirouette.  I doubt I can even do a forward roll any more.   To add insult to injury, I cannot sing.  Or act.  Or talk in a foreign accent.  I am not known for my mathematical genius.  Or any other kind of genius, for that matter.  I don't have any exceptional human talents.

I understand that I am not "one in 6 billion" that has a special talent.  I can, however, do most things to some degree of competence.  I am not an expert on anything in particular but more a Jack (or perhaps Jill) of all trades.  I believe that the majority of people in the world are, too.  I think that by experimenting in different things we become more adaptable and therefore more competent in each of the things we try.  I think the ability to do multiple things competently stems from the fact that every experience can provide the opportunity for transferable skills.  As humans, we have the ability to draw on previous learnings when presented with a unique experience. We are also capable of doing a very broad range of tasks.

Now, while I am not a "one in 6 billion" I can sew (not straight or fast), bake, swing a hammer, paint, add (and subtract!), organise things according to priorities, use power tools, give a manicure, make jam, write lists, use a chainsaw, split wood and do yoga (albeit not well or with finesse).  I can even dance.  And while I will never be a ballerina, I get great joy from dancing.  And, for me, that's enough.

One Love

Something the gentleman builder said to me this evening set me thinking.  He said "you continue to amaze me, even after all these years".  After the warm and fuzzy feeling had died down, I began thinking about that and how, to me, that's one of the things that keeps love alive.  That, regardless of how much time you spend with someone, you find out more about them or look at them in a different light and fall in love all over again.

Now, it's "too late, tonight, to drag the past out into the light.  We're one but we're not the same; we get to carry each other" through life.  I believe that part of being human is sharing our lives with other people.  There are not true hermits.  I think that, intrinsic to being human is supporting each other and helping each other through the tough times.  Let's face it, no one goes through life without acquiring emotional baggage.  What's important is that those we love and those that love us are there not only for the good times but through the darkest times in our lives.  And they love us just the same.

This set me on another train of thought, as U2 filled the car with one of my all time favourite songs, One, about the types of love there are in the world.  Most of societies marketing is aimed at romantic love but I believe there are other types of love that can be almost as powerful, namely:

• parent love - there's nothing like the love I feel when I look the eyes of my children, hold them in my arms and soak up their individuality (freaking out knowing that I am responsible for their sanity and will be the source of much of their baggage as they grow up)
• sibling love - regardless of the amount of crap times I endured growing up, I'll always love my sister and, thankfully, the love I have for her continues to grow as we get older
• child love - the love I have for my parents and my innate desire to please them drives me to be a better version of myself
• family love - the love I have for my aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews overflows at times
• friend love - the love I feel for my close friends is just as strong as the love I feel for my family.  I am indebted to so many of my friends for the memories and the camaraderie we share

Metallica seem to hit the spot when they wrote the lyrics "Forever trusting who we are and nothing else matters... Life is ours, we live it our way".  No one goes through life without making mistakes, without regrets and without experiencing pain.  Thankfully, most of us get to sprinkle our lives with happiness and moments of pure joy.   Love, in all its forms, is a way of learning more about ourselves.  It's about finding our place in the world.  Love is rarely a smooth journey but even if love ends, it is possible to look back and find the moments of joy shared between two hearts. 

Like Rebecca Ferguson says "nothing's real but the love.  No money, no house, no car, can beat the love".  And turning the tables on one of Adele's most popular song - sometimes it hurts in love, but sometimes it lasts instead.

Oh, the humanity

The origins of the expression "Oh, the humanity" date back to the Hindenburg disaster in the 1930s.  But it has been playing on my mind frequently lately.  My father is ill.  He has had emphysema for many years.  He has had a number of heart attacks.  He has been diagnosed with kidney cancer and is currently in hospital receiving palliative care for end stage chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD).  

Dad recently contracted a cold which turned very quickly into bronchitis and an acute hospital admission.  Dad has been told by his lung specialist that he is no longer  ridding his lungs of carbon dioxide effectively.  This is creating an acid environment in his blood and his, already stressed, kidneys are working hard to rectify the situation.  As a result of the emphysema, he experiences shortness of breath all day, every day.  For my Dad, it is painful to breathe and it is no longer possible to exhale in one breath.

The problem is, there are no guarantees with end stage COPD.  It is a particularly difficult disease to track or predict.  As such, the medical professionals cannot give any indications for the expected progress of Dad's condition.

Dad has expressed his wishes since his first heart attack over 3 years ago.  He does not want to live artificially and has a do not resuscitate (DNR) order.  Recently, a family meeting was called at the hospital where Dad made his wishes known to myself, my sister and my Mum.  I see this as an informal advanced care plan.

I am all for conscious living.  I like being around people that think about the choices they make in life rather than following the pack blindly, never considering whether the decisions they make are right for them.  For this reason, I respect my father's wishes and will do the best I can to support him.

One of the comments Dad made during the family meeting was that, as a society, we would not expect an animal other than a human to live like he is at the moment; in constant pain, with a terminal illness that no one has any chance of curing.  Euthanasia literally means "good death" in Ancient Greek.   


Dad's comment made me think about all the situations in which vets will euthanase animals.  Race horses are often put down after an accident.  Cows are terminated with severe infections.  There are instances where domestic pets are given a lethal injection because their owners cannot afford the surgery that would save their life and it is more humane to terminate the life of the animal than let the suffer as, without treatment, they would die.

Then, I came to think about how I feel about that.  While I believe firmly in saving lives wherever possible (and have been known to feed calves with a dropper in the hope that they will pull through scours), Dad's comment had me pondering at what point it is more humane to terminate a life than to progress with trying to keep it alive.  

The problem is that emotion gets in the way of a logical decision.  With livestock, pets and more so people, our ability to show true compassion is clouded by the fact that we have an attachment to the animal/human and we find it hard to let go.  Grief is one of the least commonly explored and discussed emotion.  I believe our society hides grief away.  Many people try to "protect" children in times of extreme sadness by keeping them out of the loop.  As such, we are not exposed to grief and the grieving process until later in life.  As a result, I believe that we are ill-equipped to deal with death.

Now, I concede that there are plenty of people out there studying the ethics of euthanasia and that I know relatively little about the intricacies of such things.  Admittedly, I am not keen to learn the details of something that my father would deem to be 'morbid'.  But I began to wonder what was done in "traditional" societies in instances where someone had a terminal disease.  So I turned to the tool that everyone trusts.  I did a Google search.

It turns out that it's not easy to find such information.  The only reference I found was that the Inuits would transport invalids to a sacred place, remove their clothing and expose them to the elements which would result in voluntary death by exposure.

To be honest, I have not come to any conclusion about euthanasia.  For humans or other animals.   I do believe in the first rule of medicine, however, being "Primum non nocere" or "first do no harm".  I wonder what this means in the case of the medical care for my father.  I question whether, with all the medications that Dad is on (and where he takes medications to deal with the side effects of other medications), his team of experts truly are doing no harm.

I just want less stuff

We live in a society that places a great deal of emphasis on material possessions.  To maintain the economic growth of the last few decades, our society has become focused on the things that others own and structuring advertising to ensure that we "keep up with the Joneses". 

"When you look at the buying habits that have taken hold in our culture over the past 30 years or so, you can see that we made the decision somewhere along the line to work longer hours so we could acquire more things.  We've exchanged our leisure time for stuff" ~ Elaine St James.  This works because there is a pleasure component to buying things (ergo shopping addictions).

I wonder how many people look at an item and decide whether the possession they are seeking is what they really want in life.  I have been caught in the "stuff" trap; I have iPhone envy; I crave gorgeous clothes and, as Radiohead proclaim, "I want a perfect body.  I want a perfect soul".  But I am able, most days, to take a step back and realise that the stuff I have does not define the person I am.  I am not worth more if I wear Prada than if I wear something from Target.  My worth, in my opinion, is in the way I treat people and the things that I do, not the clothes that I wear or the type of phone I use to I keep in contact with people.


As the Irish philosopher Charles Handy once said, "We can manage our time.  We can say no.  We can give less priority, or more, to homework or to paid work.  Money is essential but more money is not always essential.  Enough can be enough".

I love this concept as it can be so easy to get to decide on a certain milestone (I want to go on a holiday) and get carried away (I want an overseas holiday flying business class and staying in 5 star hotels).  The point here is that what you may really need is a break, some time out from the mundane reality of life and what eventuates is a burden of costs and expectations that are hard to meet.

Recently there was an ad for a credit card which ended with the line "I just want... more... stuff".  (Don't get me started on advertising and it's effects on spending habits).  Ever since the credit card ad aired, coupled with the fact that we face the prospect of moving the contents from our current home to the shouse (at about half the size of our current living space), the Gentleman Builder and I will pack things to donate and chant "I just want... less... stuff".

With each iteration of clearing out in preparation for the move to the shouse I realise how much we have accumulated over the years that we don't need and probably never did.

Thankfully, decluttering is the buzz-word of the minute among housey people and zen interiors are popular.

We have adopted three criteria for deciding whether to keep something we are undecided about:

1. Does it serve a purpose?
2. Is it of sentimental value?
3. Is it pretty?

If the answer to all three questions is 'No' the item is donated or thrown away, depending on its condition.  If any of the questions result in a 'Yes', the item is put to the side for another time.

Each time I go this process it gets easier.  I make decisions faster and don't fret about the choice I make.

For me, throwing out an item that might one day have a purpose has always been difficult.  For this reason, I have accumulated a whole room full of stuff that sits there and makes the room unusable.  I am finding it difficult but I am getting better at not accepting new stuff and not buying things that don't have an immediate need.  I have found that I am getting better at not taking things into the home that I will eventually have to throw out.

Furthermore, I now have a better filtering mechanism when buying things. I acknowledge that I used to buy things I didn't even need.  It would appear that some people go even further and buy things they don't want.  Now, I actually contemplate the purchases I make.  Part of the reason for doing so is financial.  Another is space limitation (I don't want to end up having to throw it away because it will not fit in the shouse).  Furthermore, I refuse to pay for storage for my stuff.

I find I can get away with much less. As the 90s ad campaign goes; reduce, reuse, recycle!

Reflections of a double life

I recently took a job in Melbourne.  Before applying for jobs in Melbourne, I weighed up the pros and cons.  The biggest downside is that I am not with my husband and children during the week.  However, there are positives.  I get to spend  precious time with my family in Melbourne; catch up with friends I have ignored while we have been building plus I really like the work I am doing. 

One of the unexpected up sides is the reflective time I have in the car.  Without traffic the drive from home to work is about 2.5 hours.  Add in Melbourne's horrendous peak hour traffic (which is not helped by the lack of public transport from the outer eastern "suburbs") and the drive quickly escalates to nearly 4 hours.   

The long drive twice a week has given me the opportunity to assess my life, the interactions I have with people and the way I feel about these things. 

I was introduced to the formal term for this kind of thinking, reflective practice, while working in youth and family services.  Prior to that, for me the process was merely contemplation.

Reflective practice involves evaluating your own values through a process of continuous learning.  The Japanese refer to continuous improvement as kaizen and define it as 'change for the better'. Argyrius and Schon (1978) defined the process of double loop learning (where you subject your actions to cricial scrutiny involving the identification and correction of errors and then modify the way you respond when a similar situation arises).  Kolb (1984) converted this theory into to a reflective practice flow chart.

The time in the car has given me a new-found appreciation for the importance of assessing the decisions I make and responses I have to things people say and do.  I have found that this has led to increased creativity and the formation of new ideas.  I find that I am more analytical in my approach to life and am less reactive in the things that I do.  

I am more able to utilise Suzy Welch's 10-10-10 rule where you base decision-making for large choices on the impact the decision will have for you in 10 minutes, 10 months and 10 years.   Separating the benefits into short and long term makes the decision easier to make.  If the benefits are short-lived only, the decision is possibly not the right choice.  However, a short term sacrafice that leads to large long term gains might be worthwhile.

As a result of time to reflect on life, I (generally speaking) have a calmer demeanor.   I have much greater observation skills (each time I notice something I would have missed previously, it makes me think of Ursula from the little mermaid swinging her hips and saying "And don't underestimate the importance of body language").  I also tend to have better insight into how people are feeling and the affect my actions have on them.  I am better able to dedicate time to the kids and I feel like I am more nourished.

I believe that our busy lives mean that we have less time for reflective practice and our lives are very reactive as a result.  I think that in time when the majority lived as subsistence farmers doing manual work they would have had time to mull things over while they toiled at repetitive tasks.  I wonder how society would change if more people had time to think things through and took advantage of that time to analyse their actions.  I imagine, if that were the case, there would be a lot less tension and anger.